Excerpts from, The Prehistory of the Gun, by Larry Matthews
Few realize that before the advent of the matchlock, the flintlock, and the caplock many battles were fought without the technology of guns at all but as we shall see some of the fearsome technologies used contributed to the widespread use of these weapons. We shall later address the earliest attempts and experiments to use guns in battle but first we will explore some of the technologies that led to the modern era of guns.
EARLY ATTEMPTS AT GUNS Excerpts from, The Prehistory of the Gun, by Larry Matthews
It is a little known fact that the first gun barrels were in fact U shaped. Scholars debate this fact heatedly, but recently an astonishing find has all but put the debate to rest. It was found in what was once Mesopotamia, that great fertile crescent and the birthplace of civilization, A cuneiform clay tablet was found describing a great battle that had taken place. The translation goes like this.
And the king seeing the multitude of his enemy on the plain before him, raised his weapon to his line of site and did squeeze gently and softly on the handle of his great equalizer and his head did become engulfed in fire and brimstone and the very air did stink of burning hair. The king did sit hard upon his back and was intoxicated by the power of his weapon, but did rise and was pleased for his teeth and eye's shown brightly through his blackened face and still smoldering hair. And he saw upon rising that he had defeated his enemy for they dropped their weapons in their weakness and clutched their sides and did role on the ground and lamented greatly, saying "please no more" and "stop" and "you are killing us" and they weakly gathered up their weapons and did return to their people and told them what had happened on that day and the people did clutch their sides and role on the ground and said "no" and "please stop" and the tale was told again and again. And the king did retire to his tent and stayed there for seven days and seven days more give or take a few days and did then come out and rejoice with his people.
Scholars are now debating the ambiguous nature of the seven plus seven give or take a few but the consensus is that it is the time it takes for eyebrows to grow back fully.
THE CANADIAN ERA Excerpts from, The Prehistory of the Gun, by Larry Matthews
Early in the first millennium there evolved the concept of chivalry. This was an era of honor and great frustration. Before the inventions of swords, and lances, and great duels fought on horseback there was the era of the Canadian.
The knights would go on journeys to find the most polite and unassuming peasants in the kingdom (later scholars would translate "polite and unassuming" as "gullible") to assist them in there duels with other knights. One of the trials that these gentle people would endure included holding them across the knights thigh while he and another knight hurtled at each other on galloping steeds and tried to knock the other knight off his horse with the end of the Canadians pointed helmet. This was called the joust. The invention of the lance can be traced to Canadians who dressed up dummies to look like themselves, putting a sturdy pole inside and a sharp tip on the end. The bell that protected the hand and deflected the blows was simply a take off from the knights habit of carrying the Canadians with their hand up the short skirts that the Canadians wore at the time.
Later knights would prove their bravery by placing an apple on top of a Canadians head and trying to shoot it off with an arrow. This was the beginning of the legendary taste for beer for which modern day Canadians are famous for. The understandable desire for accuracy was also the Canadians motivation to develop the first modern rifle barrel.
Canadians have always been known for their ingenuity and ability to get out of a jamb. They would later form their own nation in an attempt to lessen the stress and seemingly high mortality rates in the old country.
Later still gentlemen would defend their honor in more civilized ways. Artisans were put to work on weapons of the duel. Some of the finest pieces of art to be found were in fact dueling weapons. One of the most treasured possessions of a gentleman might be his set of dueling Canadians. These would be a perfectly matched pair of Canadians. Their height, their weight, and all there attributes would be perfectly matched so that each dueler would have the fairest chance during the dual. Gentlemen of the time were obsessed with being fair. (Modern Canadian scholars understandably dispute this.) The men would each pick a Canadian by lot so as to be fair, then they would step smartly 10 paces apart, turn and heave the Canadian at their opponent, sometimes with astonishing accuracy.
This led directly to the invention of the pistol as gentleman could often only use his Canadians once. As soon as the Canadians were fired they would frequently get up and run into the woods never to be seen again.