by Jefferson Adams
AP (Associated Potatoes) - Tonight I had the honor of watching the annual Rape of the Union Address on television (which was strapped down to my entertainment center, due to the torque put on it by the CNN commentators' pre-address spin).
As the commentators finished their bipartisan and tolerant commentary, the first lady (and I use the term so loosely it almost slipped out of my keyboard while typing this) of what's left of the United States (FLOTUS) marched gayly down the aisle, closely followed by what appeared at first glance to be an upright cocker spaniel in a dress, but whom I quickly and shrewdly determined to be, in fact, the first daughter (DOTPAFLOTUS).
Immediately following FLOTUS and DOTPAFLOTUS, Strom Thurmond floated down the aisle, his feet approximately 2 inches above the floor, wearing a black cape. Directly behind Count Thurmond was Attorney General Janet Reno, resplendent in blue, with little wisps of sulfuric-smelling smoke occasionally erupting from her ears and eyes.
And then the Big Moment we'd all been waiting for suddenly erupted upon us, much like when you've had a few too many beers and a whole bag of Doritos:
As the Representatives of Socialist Party A and Socialist Party B applauded wildly, William Jefferson Blythe Lipbiter Clinton, the president of what's left of the United States (POTUS) skipped merrily down the aisle between the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy side and the Save the Global Whales side of the House of Representatives, handing out cigars to the Representatives on both sides of the aisle, as he hummed what sounded from a distance remarkably like the theme song to Gilligan's Island.
It was interesting to see how many of the Representatives sniffed their cigars before sticking them into their pockets...
Immediately behind the president came a troop of Girl Scouts, wearing chastity belts one and all, and sweeping up what appeared to be some kind of slimy substance into buckets carried by obviously homosexual Boy Scouts. Tolerance was evident as far as the eye could see, and a spirit of gayety was in the air.
POTUS stopped occasionally during his trip down the aisle to kiss some of the more attractive Representatives and fondle their body parts if it appeared the cameras wouldn't be able to catch him.
As the Prez reached the platform, and as the thunderous applause began to die down, William Jefferson Blythe Lipbiter Clinton exhorted the attendees, as well as the viewing audience at home, that "Never before has such prosperity and wonderfulness gripped America. We have the lowest unemployment, the least poverty, and the highest number of female White House interns in the history of our country. My fellow Americans - the state of the union is the strongest it's ever been!"
More thunderous applause, and a sly wink from the Prez.
POTUS proceeded to outline how we've succeeded in replacing outmoded ideologies, like that quaint religion, "Christianity." He also proudly announced that, in the last 10 minutes alone, the Brady Bill has kept over 13 million criminals from buying Assault Weapons. With a smile broadly but smugly ensconced on his presidential features, POTUS proclaimed that we've ended welfare, as we know it, and gotten rid of fleas too, just for good measure.
At this point, the Speaker of the House, What's His Name, noticed that Algore was growing into his chair and reached over and pulled his "limbs" back out of the upholstery.
Herr Prezident challenged Congress to pass a Real Patient's Bill of Rights, as the camera panned to Ted Kennedy, who appeared to be as dead as Mary Jo Kopechne.
His Kingliness then pontificated briefly on how we've just got to have Common Sense Gun Legislation passed; enough is enough.
On the subject of education, the president insisted that we need a 21st-Century Revolution. With our new budget surplus, we will hire 100 million new teachers. And every classroom needs to be connected to the internet; how else will our inner city chilrun learn to surf the web? And we've got to get chilrun out of trailers - like the one Paula Jones lives in - and into classrooms.
The president then thanked Tipper Gore for heading up Mental Health Care, which her husband invented. Henry Waxman and Richard Gephardt looked confused, and not a little mentally unhealthy, as the camera panned across their so-called faces.
William Jefferson Blythe Lipbiter Clinton then pointed out, in tears, sackcloth and ashes, that 1 in 3 children in the inner city grows up without a father. With this, he pointed to Carlos Rosas Rodriquez Mendez-Lopez in the audience, who had decided to support his 19 children from 17 different women after all; as Mendez-Lopez rose, he was greeted with roaring applause, as befits a national hero of his caliber and stature.
Wiping a tear from each eye, Billy Jeff wailed that nobody in America believes that we're safe enough yet, even with those 100,000 federally-financed with a little help from you and me the taxpayers new cops on the street. So the president asked congress to fund the hiring of 50 million more police, in black uniforms and black ski masks. Submachineguns will be extra, he noted, but we'll pay for that out of our budget surplus. If it saves only one life.
Speaking of crime, killing and guns, POTUS said the word "Columbine," and everyone on both sides of the aisle began to cry. After most of the tears were wiped and most of the noses blown (no, not THAT kind of "blow," that's later in the Oval Office, and special invited guests only), the president asked Tom Mauser (no relation to the inventer of the Mauser rifle) to stand. Tom's son was among those killed at Columbine, but by God, he's dedicating his life now to stamping out Evil Guns. And he looked serious about it, too.
POTUS, continuing cheerfully on in the spirit of Antichrist, said that we've got to hire more ATF agents, and we've got to supply them with the tools they need for raiding churches and homes at 3:00 AM - he's asking congress to fund high technology enforcement tools, such as F-16 fighter planes and backpack nukes. The president pointed out that if the ATF had had portable nuclear devices in 1993, it would have saved the United States and Janet Reno two months of agony and a lot of wasted federal dollars at Waco, Texas.
Moving on to the Global scene, his highness pointed out that we really don't know for sure exactly WHAT China and Russia are going to do, so the best thing for us to do is to continue to dismantle the military and replace all the current soldiers with homosexuals.
"America has got to be a beacon to the rest of the world," the president effused, "and tolerance is the key. And we'll kill any religious nuts that don't reach a consensus with us on this."
"Besides," he said with a smarmy smile, "our gay men and women in uniform have written to personally tell me how much they like wearing those positively darling blue berets."
At this point, the Joint Chiefs of Staff stood up, curtseyed, and gave the prez a wink.
POTUS stated that he and Algore have saved the environment, which, incidentally, Algore invented. But it's not enough. Just a few weeks ago, on behalf of Americans everywhere, he personally seized 50 million acres of land near the Grand Canyon - "But that's just a start," he said. "We can't stop until every square inch of American soil, plus your houses and businesses, and even your children, are wholly owned by the United Nations. And with the budget surplus we've created, I'm asking Congress to fund exactly that."
Well, frankly, it went on and on from there, but I sorta slipped into a snooze, and awoke just as the President was talking about how the feral government is going to ensure the privacy of every American citizen by installing backdoors into all software written by Microsoft and by personally holding the encryption keys to all digital encoding. And to make sure that our privacy is insured, the 2000 census will create a database of all American citizens, with lots of personal data that can only be accessed by the president, the attorney general, Hillary, Chelsea, various and sundry aides, and the states of California and New York.
"In summary," said POTUS, "we live in a Brave New World, teetering on the top of a mountain of deceit and government scum and villainy, and it looks like it's gonna get worse before it gets better."
Oh. I think I dreamed that part.